


Can't Have Both (Good Kid, Gone Missing 'Verse)

by Gemmi999



Series: Good Kid, Gone Missing [3]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, M/M, Series, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-20
Updated: 2008-04-20
Packaged: 2017-10-22 04:36:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/233815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gemmi999/pseuds/Gemmi999
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John began pacing in his confined quarters, repeating the warning his father had uttered only once, back when John was 17 and stupid, back when he let his father catch him in bed with another boy.  <i> You can do this, or you can fly. It can’t be both.  You can try, but it’ll be hard and miserable, and you’ll end up failing at it like you do everything else.  Choose. </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Have Both (Good Kid, Gone Missing 'Verse)

He’d been told years earlier, warned really, that it was hard. He’d known that logically, had repeated the warning subconsciously over and over again until it had become an anthem. He hadn’t really listened, though, hadn’t needed to. It had never been about him—never been something that would apply to his life, his world. They were different, and while he sympathized, it didn’t mean he could actually do anything about it. Sure he looked the other way, occasionally, when he saw his men doing something that didn’t quite fit within the boundaries of normal. And he’d heard about the solider who’d been killed—kind of hard to miss the story when most of his men were celebrating it, and Sheppard knew that no death was a victory.

But when he’d seen McKay dressed up like that, seen how hot he looked—she looked—in her skirt. His skirt. God, he hated pronoun games. Vincent had tried to talk him through it, but that had been years earlier, and John really wasn’t much for long term recollection of useless facts that he’d never need again. Except, of course, they weren’t useless. He needed to figure it all out now—because he didn’t want to misstep. Rodney trusting him with this was huge, and John didn’t want to spoil it.

It was so much easier when he could pretend he was just a two-beer queer; when he could keep it confined to his furloughs. He’d had his imagination and right hand for all the other times, and it wasn’t as if he couldn’t get it up for a woman—they just weren’t his favorite. Too wet, too loose. And boobs really did confuse him, for the most part.

And yes, logically he knew that McKay was a woman, but that didn’t mean he was loose or wet. In fact he’d been remarkably tight and hot, viciously hot, earlier that evening.

Fuck—John began pacing in his confined quarters, repeating the warning his father had uttered only once, back when John was 17 and stupid, back when he let his father catch him in bed with another boy. _You can do this, or you can fly. It can’t be both. You can try, but it’ll be hard and miserable, and you’ll end up failing at it like you do everything else. Choose._

And John had chosen—the lure of the sky was too big a temptation to pass over because he happened to like tight, hot, burning, heat. The sky was wonderful, everything John had ever imagined it would be. He had even convinced himself it was worth it.

God—John sank down onto his bed. Choose. And John had chosen, he was here in Atlantis, and he got to fly the most amazing ships he’d ever seen in his life. He got to lead his men, and his opinion was respected and his word meant something, just as if father’s word had meant something to him. _Faggot._

John had walked away from his parents house the day he graduated, and he didn’t look back. The Air Force picked up his college expenses—he was reasonably intelligent, a poster boy practically, for the military. Except, they didn’t know that during his vacations he would sink to the ground and suck as many cocks as his mouth could fit around, always in nameless bars that were only ‘alternative’ a couple nights a week. That way he could claim ignorance if anybody happened to see him stop in.

But that was then, long ago then, and now he had to deal with now. He had to deal with the thought that he’d just had sex with a teammate—with Meredith, and god, it had been hot. It had been everything he’d ever expected it to be, if he’d taken the time to even think about it (which he hadn’t).

He wanted to bang his head against the wall, wanted to drown his sorrows in whatever strong alcohol he could find. He wanted to demand answers from Rod--Meredith, and god, he wanted it to all make sense.

The door chimed, dragging him out of his misery. Glancing at his watch, he struggled off the bed and walked over to the door, thinking open at it as hard as he could. “Mer—“ was already partway out of his mouth when Ronon strode in.

John thought close hard at the door before turning to his angry teammate.

“You slept with McKay,” Ronon growled close to John’s ear. His voice was gravely and thick, as if he was trying not to yell, trying not to do something that would escalate this situation from beyond what it was to another level.

John took a step back and looked at his teammate. Seconds passed, the silence began to swelter under the strain of wordless accusations. “Yes,” John finally responded. “I slept with McKay.”

Ronon pushed him down, onto his bed, glaring down at him. He didn’t say anything, just stared down at John and simmered, the anger practically pouring off the Satedan in waves and surges. It’s cloying, and dense, and wow—Ronon was really good at expressing himself without using words, which John had known, but this was new.

“I’m not going to fuck it up,” He looked at Ronon earnestly.

Ronon hmmphed under his breath—loudly.

“Is it because he’s a guy, because seriously, yes it’s a big deal, but not that big a deal.” John looked at Ronon with a hopeful expression on his face.

“McKay’s no guy.” Ronon responded.

John squirmed under Ronon’s intense glare. “You know about that, then?”

“Yes.”

John sighed: “I’m not going to say I love him, but I’m also not going to fuck him and leave.”

“Her,” Ronon corrected.

“Yeah, that.” John ran a hand through his hair. “Look, the whole pronoun thing is kind of confusing.”

Ronon didn’t say anything, just looked at Sheppard and turned away, walking towards the door. “I know lots of good places to hide bodies. Planets where nobody goes anymore.” Ronon opened the door and glanced outside, into the hallway.

John debated following after him, but after looking at the tense line of Ronon’s back, decided he was much better off staying in his quarters and figuring it out all by himself.

God, he really wasn’t looking forward to sparing practice tomorrow.


End file.
